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bitch trog anarchistic freak

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hmm... red [Sep. 11th, 2005|12:06 am]
bitch trog anarchistic freak
[music |Within Temptation - Jillian]

howdy y'all... or something a bit less texan

well, set up my comp which seems to have an aversion to messenger, always a good thing :S. they should really make these things sane. ah no. its on now, guess it heard me kick it

thats my new pc anyway, set up and already downloading a comp worth of music: thuis far Kasabian, Within Temptation and HIM but aiming for a few more. dyed my hair too cos the blonde look scares me, but then so does the new black-red ;p.

online again, feels strange, like maybe a cow got through. latersxxx

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not so interesting [Aug. 11th, 2005|10:01 am]
bitch trog anarchistic freak
[mood |apatheticapathetic]
[music |James Blunt]

its been a strange week. granted all i do is work these days (week after holiday i get upgraded to one 7-day stretch. add that onto 6 days the following week and, well, 13 days. the same days i worked in telemarketing - no wonder my sanity took a nosedive)) but also have another fun little thing.

i noticed two lumps in my neck, one bumping out slightly which usually wouldn;t bother me but considering my current mood i went nuts. went to the quack and he reckoned they were swollen lymph nodes and to come back if one looked like i wanted to bid for freedom... ie break off and attack someone. hope its just that. admittedly i can';t see me living for that long but i prefer to do so without ugly neck scars or walking stick and possibly keeping my hair. my hair, btw, now has one slightly blonde bit at the front and the rest is still red with increasingly black roots. ah well, good thing i like red and black, throw in green and i'll be happy.

that aside, i'm in a wierd mood these days. a month ago on a whim i bought james blunts album, n0t my usual thing - love songs and all that - but its not too bad. heck the guy can write good songs. better suited to music than blowing up people in kosovo - but then by my mentality even girls aloud are more suited to that. scary thought.

nah... for some reason i'm back on the beauty/ intelligent/ popular thing i have been on and off for for the past 7 or so years of my life. my prob;em is i am none of these things, and just realising how bad life can be if you're not living, your just watching from the sidelines. dunno, its one of the things that if your pretty, smart (or, if you're smart enough, then very, very stupid) or even sociable you get noticed. if you don;t, you become a spectator in your own life, watching other [people do the things that you always wanted to do.

weird maybe, true i think so. i blame james blunt for the pretty thing. love songs just remind me how ugly i am and how try as i might i dont like me too much. too bad if your stuck looking at yourself in a mirror. i know how sad it is really; guess maybe i'm thinking that it would be nice to be all of those things for a day. partly going to uni has made me realise just how far away i really am from being who i want to be. just a good person really, with a few of the basics of being able to enjoy stuff.

got this holiday next week and using that to get my head together. i'm not sure i;m looking forward to going back to uni, but see how it goes. aftewr all, i'm paying the rent and the bills for a place i;m not staying at cos i elected to work my fingers to the bone for a change. at least if your unattactive, unintelligent and uninteresting or any of that crap, you can work yourself to the edge.

or over it.

its good to have a rant anyway. i had the good idea yesterday to take up the guitar again, learn the cords and play some songs on it. plus i have the best part of three novels on the run. but im still trying to work that one out. thus far, i have the one i finished that i'm rejigging, one i was writing a bit last year and a new one. hope is that this time next year i'll be on my way to filling that dream.

well, til i get back from cornwall bye bye. i'm taking my average self off here cos the library ticking thing is telling me i have five mins left. got today to chill, then back to the only thing i do as of late... work.

to recap, wish i was pretty and i'm tired of being a spectator in my own life no matter what i try. then again, how many others can say the same?


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my own summer [Jul. 6th, 2005|10:58 am]
bitch trog anarchistic freak
its been a while since i've updated this thing. i've been having fun and games thus far this year. last month i was broke, no idea if i had passed my exams and generally pissed off. now happy to say i'm just broke.

i scraped a 2.1 at uni somehow and am also spending my summer scraping bits of dead person off a hospital floor. oh the joy. also moving into new uni flat so i won;t be stuck with the five bitches of edgbaston for much longer. at the moment i'm planning to set up a ritual alter in my new flat.

check out these ceremonial athames;

erm yeah, long address. ah well. so far i like the egytian goddess one. i plan to sacrifice spiders on it.

aso cannot sign into my email account at the library, or do much else come to think of it. just going to check out what weird stuff is on ebay. need to go back to my flat tomorrow to clear out old uni room. my guess is that its a tip.


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unsettled [Mar. 4th, 2005|01:41 am]
bitch trog anarchistic freak
i don't know what it is today but i just don't feel right. i don;t know why i'm here. i don;'t kjnow why i've put up with any of this. i hate my life, i hate a lot of people i know, and i'm just sick to death. i just can;t believe your born into a world just for people to screw you over. there's too many bastards in the world.

i don;t know though; anyone with half a brain seems to be depressed. i'm getting ill again, there's no escapong that. i can feel it. when i get ill i sleep all the time or don't sleep at all, i never eat and i just want the world to fuck off. the problem is the world does cos a lot of the time its full of stupid bastards and sluts. you make an effort with people, they use you then spit you out. its what friendships about.right now i'm not in the mood for anything and i certainly don;t care. right now i just wish everything was different.

i wish people would get a life. i just wish i could actually talk to someone without feeling like its constantly a test and they;re just measureing you up. i have no idea how i got like this. why i hate myself so much and i can;t find anyway out of this. why the fuck did this happen to me? what the hell exactly did i do wrong? do you have to be punished all the time by assholes ? the world is full of shallow naroow minded little bitches and somehow i let it get to me. and what scares me is i don't even know how it happened.
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Stay with me [Feb. 22nd, 2005|10:56 pm]
bitch trog anarchistic freak
When he world is cold
When the world is... o-l-d
You know i need your tears
To help cloud up my fears

Please treat me gently
Because my world is em-p-ty
I am here alone
Waiting for you to phone
I am not afraid of you
Or the things that you can do.

All I want is for to do is...

Stay with me
Stay with me
Stay with me tonight
Stay with me
Stay with me tooo-night
I won't make you frown
Won't turn your world u-up-side down
Will you stay with me
Stay with me tonight
And blind my sight
From the fright
When you are not there

I am dying the moment that you
Will stop your crying
I know the things I have done the
Lies that I have spun
One night the dawn will change
Just the one night, stay with me.

Stay with me
Stay with me
Stay with me tonight
Stay with me
Stay with me tooo-night
I won't make you frown
Won't turn your world u-up-side down
Will you stay with me
Stay with me tonight
And blind my sight
From the fright
When you are not there

So I plead to the night
To the purple clouds of the rust
I build my trust
For hope to crum-ble down
I will make you drown
I will make you frown
I will do anything
Apart from what I need t-o d-o

I will kill you with black magic and love
Things perished and taken from above

So now don't you...

Stay with me
Stay with me
Stay with me-e-e-e-e
Don't stay with me
Stay with me
Stay with me-e-e-e-e
I'll on-ly make you frown
I will only ma-ake you drown

So don't you stay
Don't stay with me
Don't stay with me
Don't stay with me-e-e-e
Don't stay with me
I will make you drown
And turn your heart up-si-de down
Don't please
Stay with me

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Burning Ice [Dec. 14th, 2004|08:43 pm]
bitch trog anarchistic freak
[mood |coldcold]

The moment the world ended
The mask would come off.

The moment the cold turned away
The flame would flicker out.

Tantalizing your alkaline heart
You ripped the world from my hands
The shivering world was empty
A shell ready to break open
Your world of lies and fear.

All what was left was the thought
Of what could be alone
What was in the world before
And after you broke the ice
That would have killed you.

It was your image of lonliness
And it would turn away
It would forget you
When your memories faded to the dust
Where they sprang from.
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Cold Weapons [Dec. 13th, 2004|10:04 pm]
bitch trog anarchistic freak
[mood |melancholymelancholy]

The eyes will wander there
In circles made of stone
Casting your shattered light down
Painting doom on your perfect face
In the wonderful light
You wandered like a fluttering angel
Just to see what couldn't exist.

Cold reasoning
It brought you to your knees
Your fluid touch was laid to dry
Burn your curiosity onto me
And I blow out the flames
I like to see the light
But to touch its glow
The cold weapons would avenge me.

I am not listening to the night
I am not sleeping awake
I wait for the moonlit chasm to open
And to swallow you whole
Whatver you say
The markings make no sense
Whatever dangerous weapons are these
They have cut the world dry and clean.
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Glistened [Dec. 11th, 2004|06:07 pm]
bitch trog anarchistic freak
[mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]

So this is what the hollowness feels like
The cold dark emptiness of the moon
Forever rotating in its own acid
Always watching with a blinking eye

Cold oceans paid out their debt
Turning your fate into legend
There's nothing you could not say
Or nothing you could not break
That would make me turn back

When I bleed my words out
You are there to cut the next line
When I try to speak
The thought of the end gags me

When I am alone
This haunts my beating mind
I cannot hold the darkness
Or your beauty still
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Calming storm [Dec. 9th, 2004|10:59 pm]
bitch trog anarchistic freak
[mood |creative]

A liquid redition of the final step
Paves the way on to the end
Crying your frosted tears
Onto a world of flames
Walking in the shadows
Trying to find the tide
And walk doom home again

When I'm alone the dark calls out
Trying to find the sense in nothing
Calm chaos knows the boundaries
Of the tension running through your pulse
Trying to find the next wave
Until the moment it falls

Never find the route to chaos
The moonlit chasm of your closed soul
Twilight whispers through the eyes
Crossing the heart beat
To lie on the thorns of the skies
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Breaking a line [Dec. 7th, 2004|01:03 am]
bitch trog anarchistic freak
[mood |lethargiclethargic]

A new hand is dealt
Open palms and wisdoms
That were never our own
Cold stares in the night
That blaze out our fortune.

When nothing is there
And you are here
I call your bluff
And the tears flow
Fast as blood
But not nearly as silent.

Cold wisdom I knew you were dying
And I shouldn't have cared then
More than I should do now
If I didn;t change the world
It would have caught on anyway.
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