|not so interesting
||[Aug. 11th, 2005|10:01 am]
bitch trog anarchistic freak
its been a strange week. granted all i do is work these days (week after holiday i get upgraded to one 7-day stretch. add that onto 6 days the following week and, well, 13 days. the same days i worked in telemarketing - no wonder my sanity took a nosedive)) but also have another fun little thing.
i noticed two lumps in my neck, one bumping out slightly which usually wouldn;t bother me but considering my current mood i went nuts. went to the quack and he reckoned they were swollen lymph nodes and to come back if one looked like i wanted to bid for freedom... ie break off and attack someone. hope its just that. admittedly i can';t see me living for that long but i prefer to do so without ugly neck scars or walking stick and possibly keeping my hair. my hair, btw, now has one slightly blonde bit at the front and the rest is still red with increasingly black roots. ah well, good thing i like red and black, throw in green and i'll be happy.
that aside, i'm in a wierd mood these days. a month ago on a whim i bought james blunts album, n0t my usual thing - love songs and all that - but its not too bad. heck the guy can write good songs. better suited to music than blowing up people in kosovo - but then by my mentality even girls aloud are more suited to that. scary thought.
nah... for some reason i'm back on the beauty/ intelligent/ popular thing i have been on and off for for the past 7 or so years of my life. my prob;em is i am none of these things, and just realising how bad life can be if you're not living, your just watching from the sidelines. dunno, its one of the things that if your pretty, smart (or, if you're smart enough, then very, very stupid) or even sociable you get noticed. if you don;t, you become a spectator in your own life, watching other [people do the things that you always wanted to do.
weird maybe, true i think so. i blame james blunt for the pretty thing. love songs just remind me how ugly i am and how try as i might i dont like me too much. too bad if your stuck looking at yourself in a mirror. i know how sad it is really; guess maybe i'm thinking that it would be nice to be all of those things for a day. partly going to uni has made me realise just how far away i really am from being who i want to be. just a good person really, with a few of the basics of being able to enjoy stuff.
got this holiday next week and using that to get my head together. i'm not sure i;m looking forward to going back to uni, but see how it goes. aftewr all, i'm paying the rent and the bills for a place i;m not staying at cos i elected to work my fingers to the bone for a change. at least if your unattactive, unintelligent and uninteresting or any of that crap, you can work yourself to the edge.
or over it.
its good to have a rant anyway. i had the good idea yesterday to take up the guitar again, learn the cords and play some songs on it. plus i have the best part of three novels on the run. but im still trying to work that one out. thus far, i have the one i finished that i'm rejigging, one i was writing a bit last year and a new one. hope is that this time next year i'll be on my way to filling that dream.
well, til i get back from cornwall bye bye. i'm taking my average self off here cos the library ticking thing is telling me i have five mins left. got today to chill, then back to the only thing i do as of late... work.
to recap, wish i was pretty and i'm tired of being a spectator in my own life no matter what i try. then again, how many others can say the same?